Information

Why is it that there is so much informaiton, yet none of what I need or want to know? When the seconds are creeping by and I odn't know what to do next, where to look or what to say I google people. I google everyone I cna possibly think of with and without quotes, for common names I add in the city I knew them in or a middle name if I can remember. I google myself, always a little scared at what will pop up. Tonight I found out I have unclaimed funds...this only came of light based on a search of my name without quotes...

I guess finding out there's an unknown amount of money just waiting for you to claim it is probaby the very best thing anyone couild find out by googling themselves...

SO I should be ecstatic. but the strange, unkown dimension of it just makes me anxious, worried...I can't think of anything/ one that this money would have come from...

Have I gotten to the age where mystery creates fear rather than excitement?
As I google every old friend, lover, that I cna remember, I wonder what am I really looking for? A key to my past, to the changing of time, of decades, the passing of moments?
One city, then another. One job, then another...One idea that you never thought would change, one love that you thought would last. It is imperceptible, the time in which a persepctive shifts, a friendship sours, a love fades into nothing...SO how do you hold on, how do you convinc eyorusel fot believe in each moment, as if it is eternal, knowing the illusion of time will always have the upper hand?

The human puzzle

Will we ever know how it really works? The group and the individual? Geography, history, genes and genetics? What makes us who we are and what do we mean by "we" anyway? Maybe if I could just understand one thing, eg, the human propensity for violence I would be satisfied...
But that's the problem, these things can't be understood in isolation. in order to understand violence you must understand emotion, compassion, economics, oppression and we're back to society and individuals...Why are the social sciences divided then? Hell why are any subjects divided? Isn't art the closest we've come to understanding any of this? It really is a pzzle, g-d's rubrix cube, and then we have to start asking about the implications of that metaphor...

But the biggest question I really want to answer right now, is with all the giant unanswered questions in the world and history speeding along as if in a race with itself how are we supposed to stay inspired by all the technicalities, the essential minutae that make up all the small, peety moments of life and work? How do we believe that writing the same exact thing in a slightly different way for the 10th time, is really more important than , say staring into space?

How can we be satisfied with small compassion when the world is waiting to be saved and how can be convinced that this moment and this one and this is one is society and history in the making?